Things I have been up to

[teddywolf]

It's been a while since I last posted what's going on.

Let's see... kids are managing. I have not had much success in feeding my son before the bus arrives, but I have been able to keep him on his regimen of morning medicines. More importantly, with some guidance he has gotten to the point where he will pick out his own clothes, clean himself up, get dressed, and get on the bus all by himself. I do have to prod him to start the process, and occasionally in the middle, but he's nearly to the point of getting himself ready by himself. He's mostly letting his sister drive a lot of the interaction in the house and is willing to be quiet. Since it's the quiet ones you want to look out for, I make sure I let him know when I appreciate him being good when he is quiet and good.

My daughter keeps fighting with me over going to school. I dearly hope she gets accepted to Solomon Schecter for three very important reasons: it's a very good school, she'd no longer be learning about mainstream Christian holidays in school (oy), and it will no longer be my job to wrestle her out the door. Well, maybe she'll decide she loves school so much that she gets herself ready. She can do that now when she wants to. It's just getting her to want to that's the trouble. Fighting with her takes a lot of mental energy, especially when I am trying to avoid yelling. And lest you think I should not yell at her--which, I may add, I generally do not want to do--a morning when she does not do at least three of yell, hit, spit, stick her tongue out at me, fight over getting dressed, and fight over using the toilet is a very rare weekday morning. It's all six more often than I really care to think about.

I was in a show the first couple of weekends in April. I am not as sanguine about my performances this time around--I missed a line one performance, fumbled over my words very briefly in a dramatic monologue in another--but I think I generally did a good job. Of course, with a show it's not all about you. It's about the troupe and the overall performance. I was not the announcer this time. While I had a lot of fun not being the announcer, well... our announcer did her best. *sigh* Anything I say will sound catty, which I don't mean to be. She tried, and she practiced, and... well, I think that if all I'm offered are announcer roles I'll just take 'em, at least for the next year.

Speaking of roles, the upcoming summer show will be a Sherlock Holmes adaptation. They have already pre-cast Holmes and Watson. I noticed they have a separate announcer, but I don't know if that's a matter of separating out the introspection parts of Watson or just doing the intro and outtro. I wanted a shot at Watson. *ponder* I have done no fewer than twenty distinct voices for PMRP, including one-line roles, background bits, announcer voices, characters, characters of characters, both staged and recorded. Maybe they want my range for character roles.

Lord help me, I'm pondering a turn in a director's chair--if they ever let me, that is. I should do more work on my written pieces.

As for me...? I've been doing some job counseling with Jewish Vocational Services of Boston. The woman I worked with, A. M., suggested I should look at resources for people with disabilities. I'm trying to find out where my old IEPs might have ended up. If there's a diagnosis in there that would qualify me for disability I will be surprised, but it will at least lend impetus to me getting a full neuropsych work-up. I'm working on voice-work, looking for work, and otherwise trying to keep the house going. I finally dealt with the gunk build-up in front of our stove, something the housecleaners kept not doing. I also vacuumed our room for the first time in mumble. You know, I shed a lot.

I'm getting back in the swing of things with general household duties, but I admit my heart is not really in it. The dishes will be the end of me, I can tell.

Socially I feel half-hermit. During the week when my wife and kids were out I mostly stayed home and relaxed. I didn't make it to most of the post-show dinners or the end-of-show cast party. I felt out of it downstairs in the green room, but I realize that's mostly me being me and feeling shy and awkward. I haven't had much in the way of social invites except when I haven't had time. Timing, not good.

The shy and awkward part also has something to do with somebody terminating LJ exchange with extreme prejudice. That person's perception of me is so at odds with my own self-image that it shocked me--described among other things as abusive and manipulative, and those are possibly some of the milder descriptors made by said person. At the same time, said person refused to engage with me further except with great hostility. I've said it before and I'll say it again: if I have a problem, people need to tell me what they see instead of assuming I know. Yeah, I have ego; no, I don't like thinking of myself as a bad person. But I have made changes based on honest critical feedback before. It can and will happen again. I have not brought it up much as I do not want to foment drama, but the exchange literally left me shaken and sick to my stomach for a couple of days.

It is time for me to cook a chicken and get my stomach out of knots. And no, not to do with the last paragraph.

Comments

[thnidu.livejournal.com]

re next-to-last para: Some people are dickheads. I realize that's no comfort, but ... it's just part of the world. It's not you.

I remember, while we still lived in Mass., a woman in my synagogue making a "casual" remark to me that had me bleeding for a week. I was relieved when she and her husband split and she no longer appeared in the congregation.

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

I think people may not realize how what they say can come across. This does, of course, include me.

[thnidu.livejournal.com]

She did. This wasn't a unique occasion, and while after all this time I have mercifully forgotten her exact words, they rankled in my memory for years.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

If it helps, when I dined with J and M on Monday, your acting and voicework and general vivacity were greatly praised.

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

It does help, thank you.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

I think looking into disability resources is an excellent thing to do.

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

I will get a neuropsych workup done first, but I have the feeling I'll be looking at them afterwards.

[lyonesse.livejournal.com]

great to hear about boychik! i think the recognition of his being good (and being chill as part of good) is awesome parenting. go you. having been in little-sister's shoes myself, i recommend sticking-tongues-out as something that can be turned by an adult from an aggressive into an almost-affectionate interchange (sharing/acknowledging shared stress rather than fighting about it), and far far better than say hitting.

are there self-rewards you can give for household maintenance? i know it's the kind of thing cohabitants all have to do for themselves, but it's worth doing. (i personally take out the puppy whenever i do yard work, she makes it much more fun.)

if i'm correct in presuming i know who terminated lj exchange with you (which i do not assume, so please take with a grain of salt....) he has history of people failing to take his anger and distress seriously, to the point of legal action (for years now, and his assailant still doesn't take it seriously). please consider that people who feel used to being ignored may make themselves overly loud to the listening, just because they are not used to being heard. it's a misfit in communications styles, and both sides would be best off acknowledging that rather than taking the other's communications as they would have meant them personally.

*hugs* and i strongly suspect your chicken was scrumptious :)

[gingicat]

I offer to tickle her tongue when she sticks it out, but this doesn't work when she's in a rage.

[lyonesse.livejournal.com]

does she like sweets? i'd try placing an m&m on it perhaps....

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

Sugar tends to have her careening around the room if we give her too much.

[lyonesse.livejournal.com]

does she like raisins?

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

Alas, she does not like raisins. I don't want to give her candied ginger (she loves it too much) and too many gummies might make her stop liking her gummie vitamins.

[oneagain.livejournal.com]

The suggestion about turning an aggressive behavior into an affectionate one with regard to a little girl reminds me so much of the move Beasts of the Southern Wild. I recommend it for any who have not yet seen it.

[lyonesse.livejournal.com]

i love that movie!

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

Chicken was good chicken. Thank you.

With the little girl, I do try to make it affectionate when I can, but it's tricky when she's also spitting and hitting. I generally don't react as badly to the tongue-sticking-out. If it's the only thing she does I'm doing fine. The problem is that's usually something she considers an escalation.

There aren't really any self-rewards I can do for housework. I have no functional radio nearby for cooking or dishwashing, I would be too distracted by the TV if I had it on during sweeping, and self-rewarding while shopping is just plain dangerous (mmm... salted caramel Godiva chocolate...)

Regarding the person who terminated LJ exchange, I will say that I found it rather shocking when that person in essence said that they felt the world would be a better place without me and wished I were no longer around. I do not believe that there is any actual murderous intent, but that's a horrifically strong statement to not take at least a little personally. I did not think at all about that particular bit when, in a later correspondence, I replied that whatever they wished for me I wished back threefold. Why? Sometimes I'm only thinking in the moment and am an idiot for not thinking back two steps.

I'm not somebody who wishes ill for the hell of it, even when ill seems to be wished on me.

[lyonesse.livejournal.com]

er, yeah, the ill-wishing might be worth your bringing up at yom kippur. the threefold law is a bitch.

i'd still try returning tongue-sticking-out for spitting. for hitting i don't know what you do; i'd do a pin myself, but that may take a level of skill you happen not to have....

would your household be accepting of a radio? we probably have a working one lying around somewhere, and i know how you love that medium :)

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't have wanted that thing applied threefold. *shrug* It's not like I can talk with the person in question and try to hash things out. They requested a complete cessation of communication. I acknowledged receipt of such in my final message to them and declined to say anything else to the person after that.

[oneagain.livejournal.com]

The lj unfriending and consequent hostility sounds pretty painful. Unfortunately, honest critical feedback is not something many folks are comfortable giving, and for good reason; you never know how it's going to be taken or what kind of trouble such honesty will get you into if it is taken really poorly.

Did this person indicate with their speech that their impression was that you *did* know what problems they thought you had with them? Is it possible they made no assumption either way? Or perhaps it did not occur to them that you would think that you had to change even if you did know? Calling someone abusive and manipulative--well--those characteristics, having come into contact with them myself on numerous occasions--are not ones in my experience that folks are necessarily *interested* in changing in themselves or even recognizing for that matter. If I told someone I thought these things of them, it would be to get it off my chest, warn other people, and possibly give said person some insight as to why folks might have certain kinds of reactions to them; at this point, I don't know how likely it is I would expect change from them. Change is hard and something folks who are abusive and manipulative may wish to avoid and, in fact, may have become abusive and manipulative in *order* to avoid this (again, this has been my experience), so I suggest the possibility that this person did not necessarily expect you to change and simply felt they had to get stuff off their chest and distance themself from whatever it was they thought they were seeing. Not having any details, there are so many possibilities of what could have been going on with this person, but it sounds like they were triggered, judgemental, and possibly projecting, i.e., Wolf did so and so; if *I* did so and so, it would be because I am manipulative and abusive, so this must be what is informing Wolf's behavior. Unfortunately, these are assumptions folks make often without even realizing that they are making them, or, even if they were aware they were making them, they were so certain that the meanings of these behaviors were universally accepted in the world-wide lexicon of human behavior that they did not bother to question them.

You can drive yourself nuts wondering. It is, nonetheless, difficult to stop. If the person said anything that you deem to have a possibility of being true, perhaps you could meditate on it. If they used such loaded terms without giving you much in the way of examples, I don't know what you can do or what value you could get from it, if any. I expect your usual process will take it's course, you'll take from it what you can, let it go, move on, and hopefully the sting will grow sufficiently less strong over time that it will no longer be painful? Not sure what else to suggest or what other feedback I could give that would be useful (assuming this was useful, which I can't know, not being you :)

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the hugs and the opinion. My condolences on dealing with a move and a divorce all at once.

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

I did not make any assumptions about the person's intent on telling me this. I suspect that the individual may have been triggered and judgmental, but they also seemed to work from fairly limited information in coming to these conclusions. To wit, they said that they felt I was particularly awful to one person in particular. When I asked the person in question if they felt I was in fact abusive and manipulative the answer was a No with a derisive snort.

When it comes to manipulation, this is one of those very tricky social things. Everybody influences other people when they interact with them, some way or another. I don't expect there is a bright line between influence and manipulation, but I tend to work with the idea that if it is being done for your own betterment to the other person's detriment, and it does not involve physical force or intimidation, it is manipulation in the social sense.

I do try to influence my children to be better people, but it is possible some people might view some of my techniques as manipulative; I don't know. I do know that parenting is a difficult road.

[fangirl715.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you've been having a rough time of it lately; I understand a bit too well right now the part about a friend bailing rather suddenly, right down to the "sick to my stomach" part. *hugs*

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you.

[ladymondegreen.livejournal.com]

Weighing in here on the very lightest of the issues, because I don't really feel knowledgeable enough to tackle the others from this perspective, but what are you using to wash the dishes? I know I've found dishwashing more fun since I got some more interesting scrubbies and scrubbing brushes, which are more efficient and less prone to rotting than sponges. It makes doing the dishes a more pleasant and also a quicker experience. Bright colors have helped me too, since we have multiple sets of washing, it seemed useful to make color distinctions and I find them cheerful.

I also tend to use dishwashing time as vocal practice time, or listen to music, both of which help, because it suddenly becomes my time to do something fun, while I'm doing something with my hands.

I wish you much luck and patience with rest of the issues.

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

Normally I am very quiet when I am alone in the house. Silence is pretty rare here. For me it's a bit more rare due to the tinnitus :P

Doing the dishes is not so much a matter of fun. I have the tools I need to do them, do them well and quickly, and move along. I usually do them when I am in the middle of cooking (there's a break in the food prep? Wash dishes, wash hands, back to food prep--or be ready to start eating in a moment, yum!) but this has been less easy to do when I haven't had much appetite. A small radio in the kitchen might help, or it might be a distraction. I need more silence than a lot of people might think.

As for vocal practice, I do that when the whim takes me and there's sufficient privacy.

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Very glad that Son is doing better! Hope that things will improve with Daughter as well.

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

Thank you. My little girl, she's a tough one. This will serve her in good stead when she's an adult, so I want to keep the tough part, but I need her to be willing to be sweeter with her family. I honestly don't know if her tantrums being mostly with us is due to her having established behavior patterns or just that she feels she can relax with us. I dread the former.

[catalana.livejournal.com]

Bear in mind that this comes from a perspective of not knowing you terribly well. But the worst that I'd say about you is that you can get rather self-absorbed at times. I think of it sort of like a puppy who needs to be gently bopped on the nose and reminded "No, we're doing X." (Okay, so maybe my imagery could use some work - I'm suffering from a cold that includes vertigo so I'm pretty out of it.) The point is, that I can see how people can get frustrated having to bop you on the nose. On the other hand, I don't tend to think that you're maliciously distracted. As such, I don't see anything that I'd consider abusive or manipulative; I see you as sometimes being a jerk to people.

But guess what? So are most of us. My husband is someone I utterly adore and he is the most forgetful and scatterbrained person on the face of the planet, I swear. I can get really exasperated because I have asked him to do something, I've left him a note about it, he's even left a note back saying he's going to do it...and then 5 minutes later he manages to forget. But people are a package deal. He's much more to me than just his forgetfulness. Does that mean he should blow it off? No, of course not - he works on it. But it also means that I see much more of them than just that, and the good far far outweighs the bad.

People who only ever see one part of a person often have trouble realizing there's more to that person than the aspect they see. So if someone only reads posts with people venting about you or if they fixate on your flaws, then it's not surprising they blow things out of proportion.

Personally, I haven't seen you be abusive. I don't know you well enough to know if you're manipulative (or more so than we probably all are at times), but I trust the judgment of my friends who hold you dear. You certainly haven't done anything that raises huge red flags of "This is unsafe; must interfere with my friend for their own good!" Mainly you just seem like a guy who has 2 small kids, both of whom have some challenges, not enough money, and uncertain employment, trying to make the best of it. Do you screw up sometimes? Yeah, I'm sure you do. Perfection is pretty hard to come by down here, ya know? But you can't fix what you don't know about, and having people expect you to be psychic is setting them up to be disappointed.

And for what it's worth, if I see you being an asshole, I'll tell you. If asked for my opinion, I give it to people straight. It doesn't mean my opinion is always right, but it does mean that I won't tell you one thing and go off and tell others something else. (It's that whole ethics professor thing - I might try to find a tactful way to address an issue, but I'm unlikely to lie to you.)

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

I appreciate your feedback and your candor. And I treasure that you'll tell me if it looks like I'm screwing up.

I know I have my flaws. I can see the inside of my own thoughts, and I know how bad they can be at times. I have, however, realized that thinking isn't a crime. The actions springing from the thoughts are much more defining than the thoughts themselves.

The person who has such a negative view of me said that they got this both from interactions with someone else, on whose behalf he got incensed, and from my own LJ posts. I know I don't post everything I do to LJ, but sheesh.

[gosling.livejournal.com]

I have nothing coherent to say, as I am seriously not at my best right now. I wanted you to know I am listening, however.

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

Rarf. I hope things get better for you in very short order.

[realmjit.livejournal.com]

I am always glad to hear of progress in your household, even if said progress seems to amount to little more than "We got out of bed and things were accomplished with anyone being set on fire or buried in the crawlspace." When you write of your trials with your children, I begin to understand what good parenting looks like: you recognize the strength in defiance, instead of seeing it as a negative.

Have the boychik's intestinal issues resolved without further intervention? He has been in my thoughts when I wish for healing on behalf of the world.