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News of the Weak, August 18 2002
Aug. 18th, 2002 04:20 pmTexas declared war on Canada for being "UnAmerican".
Microsoft owner Bill Gates announced that he was buying the year 2005. "I think it's a sound investment, the economy should be much better then." Other CEOs went on a buying spree until it was disclosed that the firm selling the years was Enron. Boeing tried to resell 1954 but ended up writing it off with a 707.
Devout Hindu George W Bush declared a general amnesty for all CEOs not in the USA. "It's important that you come back and help run your companies. I promise you won't get in trouble for that." In an unrelated story, Martha Stewart was arrested and lynched for her falling stock prices.
Beloved economist Alan Greenspan declared that there would be no drop in oxygen levels. "Right now we need as much oxygen as we can get, and lowering it would not serve to keep America strong enough to recover." The oxygen commodities market sighed at the news.
US President George W Bush proposed a new tax cut for capital gains taxes. "Rich or poor, if you invest you'll be saving money. The more you invest the more you'll save and that means more money for you to spend," said the quizzical world leader. When asked about an income tax cut for poor and middle class Americans he said, "We cannot afford to lose focus on what's important right now, and that's rich people buying luxury goods. Poor people can get good jobs as domestic labor with the money the rich save."
Reporters left the Middle East for a weekend holiday in Greece. In an unrelated story, nobody died in Israel or the West Bank as no tanks advanced on Bethlehem and no suicide bombers blew themselves up for a solid 12 hour period. A senior Palestinian official said, "The bombings will continue until morale improves - but we can't waste bombers when the press isn't around."
A French scientist announced the world's first successful Godzilla spokesman clone. Unfortunately the clone and the laboratory he was spawned in was crushed by a bizarre monster with Martha Stewart's head and Godzilla's body. Martha Stewart is wanted for questioning.
.
.
But first: Just how *do* you hurt yourself if you run with scissors? And why does Microsoft care? A special report.
Microsoft owner Bill Gates announced that he was buying the year 2005. "I think it's a sound investment, the economy should be much better then." Other CEOs went on a buying spree until it was disclosed that the firm selling the years was Enron. Boeing tried to resell 1954 but ended up writing it off with a 707.
Devout Hindu George W Bush declared a general amnesty for all CEOs not in the USA. "It's important that you come back and help run your companies. I promise you won't get in trouble for that." In an unrelated story, Martha Stewart was arrested and lynched for her falling stock prices.
Beloved economist Alan Greenspan declared that there would be no drop in oxygen levels. "Right now we need as much oxygen as we can get, and lowering it would not serve to keep America strong enough to recover." The oxygen commodities market sighed at the news.
US President George W Bush proposed a new tax cut for capital gains taxes. "Rich or poor, if you invest you'll be saving money. The more you invest the more you'll save and that means more money for you to spend," said the quizzical world leader. When asked about an income tax cut for poor and middle class Americans he said, "We cannot afford to lose focus on what's important right now, and that's rich people buying luxury goods. Poor people can get good jobs as domestic labor with the money the rich save."
Reporters left the Middle East for a weekend holiday in Greece. In an unrelated story, nobody died in Israel or the West Bank as no tanks advanced on Bethlehem and no suicide bombers blew themselves up for a solid 12 hour period. A senior Palestinian official said, "The bombings will continue until morale improves - but we can't waste bombers when the press isn't around."
A French scientist announced the world's first successful Godzilla spokesman clone. Unfortunately the clone and the laboratory he was spawned in was crushed by a bizarre monster with Martha Stewart's head and Godzilla's body. Martha Stewart is wanted for questioning.
.
.
But first: Just how *do* you hurt yourself if you run with scissors? And why does Microsoft care? A special report.
