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Adventure recap
Dec. 3rd, 2012 02:55 pmThis is likely only of interest to people who play D&D and are also fans of The Daily Show. Or maybe people who fit in either category.
"For more on this story we're joined by our Senior Adventuring Correspondent, John Oliver. John?"
*applause*
"It's been a really crazy night here in the Spirit Warrior cave, John. First the alarms went off, calling for a large search party to go out so they could seek and destroy any random adventuring party that might happen to show up nearby. Then some time later, one of the random adventurers came to the cave and asked to speak with the head of the Spirit Warriors. It turns out that the spirit warriors had previously accepted a commission to collect a bounty placed on his head, and he knew it when he came to the cave! That's insane, John. Nobody with a bounty on their head asks to speak with the head of the organization seeking their heads in the first place. It's a suicide mission."
*audience chuckle*
"I understand that does seem a little peculiar. What had these adventurers been doing to get the attention of the spirit warriors before this?"
"Well, they hadn't actually been doing anything to the spirit warriors themselves, John. No, they'd gone and pissed off a bunch of yuan-ti. They'd attacked and sacked a temple, destroyed their artifact that would have allowed them to take over the world, and when the yuan-ti's avatar came to destroy the invaders in return, they played the roughest game of pattycake that the world has ever seen." *audience laughs* "You just don't do that, John. The yuan-ti are murderous, psychopathic snakes. They'll kill anybody who crosses their path who crosses their eyes at them, just because they can't cross them back." *audience chuckle* "They give Voldemort the shakes." *short audience laugh* "I know, I saw them-"
"But, but-but John, how do the yuan-ti figure into this?"
"Well, the yuan-ti were mightily annoyed by the loss of the temple and their world-shaking artifact, because as a result they lost control over the nearby city of Cliffport. Apparently a coalition of forces from other countries managed to wrest major control of the port from yuan-ti hands once the temple was demolished and many of the unholy abominations it had been generating were killed by the adventurers. So they went to the spirit warriors to negotiate a bounty on the heads of every adventurer who participated in the sack: Fenris the Strong, Nezumi the Nimble, Lord Koga the Negotiator, Mi'irik the Diminutive, Zagon the Sunny, and Wanderer the {bleep}ing Insane Bat{bleep} Crazy Lunatic."
*audience LAUGHS*
"From the names, I'm going to assume it wasn't Zagon the Sunny who went to talk to the head honcho."
*short audience chuckle*
"No indeed, John. This adventuring party goes all over the place, apparently. They'd gone to Cliffport to see how things were going after they'd wrecked the local yuan-ti stronghold, and found it clear of major influence. They seemed a little surprised by this, as if every single event of note in the world had to be done by them or in response to them. You know how adventuring parties are, John, they think the world revolves around them." *audience laughs* "Anyways, that's where the spirit warriors caught up with them, in Cliffport. There wasn't any major damage to the city, nor did any of the adventurers die, but that's when Wanderer came up with the crazy idea to go talk with the head of the spirit warriors to dissuade them."
"So..... how did that go?"
*short audience chuckle*
"Go? Go?? It was a non-starter, John. Even Lord Koga the Negotiator thought it was {bleep}ing crazy. But in he went, Lord Wanderer the Bat{bleep} Crazy, walking between armed guards, moving as if he'd wandered freely around the place a few days ago--which he had, actually-" *audience chuckle* "-and went to talk with the top lich. Who asked for his head."
*audience chuckle*
"Uhm... did he... get it?"
*audience chuckle*
"When the head lich told Wanderer that he wanted his head on a platter, Wanderer said go ahead--and grew another head. When the lich said he'd take that one too, Wanderer grew yet another head. I think they went up to a baker's dozen before the lich said, and I quote, 'Take every {bleep}ing head he grows and chop them all off. But save the spleen for questioning and medical experimentation.'"
*short audience laugh*
"Did Wanderer survive?"
"Well John... That is a question to be answered on another day." *audience BOOS* "Hey, you know that adventures can be long and complicated story arcs! He wasn't dead as of the time I was found in the cave, summarily executed, and my spirit was sent back here to The Daily Show to be reincarnated into the body of a supermodel."
*audience LAUGHS*
"Yeah, look, we're sorry about that, there was a mix-up at the body bank-"
"You promised me I'd get to be a supermodel, John! I was gonna have legs up to here-"
"We'll sort it out in the back room, I promise. John Oliver, everyone! We'll be right back." *audience applauds and cheers*
"For more on this story we're joined by our Senior Adventuring Correspondent, John Oliver. John?"
*applause*
"It's been a really crazy night here in the Spirit Warrior cave, John. First the alarms went off, calling for a large search party to go out so they could seek and destroy any random adventuring party that might happen to show up nearby. Then some time later, one of the random adventurers came to the cave and asked to speak with the head of the Spirit Warriors. It turns out that the spirit warriors had previously accepted a commission to collect a bounty placed on his head, and he knew it when he came to the cave! That's insane, John. Nobody with a bounty on their head asks to speak with the head of the organization seeking their heads in the first place. It's a suicide mission."
*audience chuckle*
"I understand that does seem a little peculiar. What had these adventurers been doing to get the attention of the spirit warriors before this?"
"Well, they hadn't actually been doing anything to the spirit warriors themselves, John. No, they'd gone and pissed off a bunch of yuan-ti. They'd attacked and sacked a temple, destroyed their artifact that would have allowed them to take over the world, and when the yuan-ti's avatar came to destroy the invaders in return, they played the roughest game of pattycake that the world has ever seen." *audience laughs* "You just don't do that, John. The yuan-ti are murderous, psychopathic snakes. They'll kill anybody who crosses their path who crosses their eyes at them, just because they can't cross them back." *audience chuckle* "They give Voldemort the shakes." *short audience laugh* "I know, I saw them-"
"But, but-but John, how do the yuan-ti figure into this?"
"Well, the yuan-ti were mightily annoyed by the loss of the temple and their world-shaking artifact, because as a result they lost control over the nearby city of Cliffport. Apparently a coalition of forces from other countries managed to wrest major control of the port from yuan-ti hands once the temple was demolished and many of the unholy abominations it had been generating were killed by the adventurers. So they went to the spirit warriors to negotiate a bounty on the heads of every adventurer who participated in the sack: Fenris the Strong, Nezumi the Nimble, Lord Koga the Negotiator, Mi'irik the Diminutive, Zagon the Sunny, and Wanderer the {bleep}ing Insane Bat{bleep} Crazy Lunatic."
*audience LAUGHS*
"From the names, I'm going to assume it wasn't Zagon the Sunny who went to talk to the head honcho."
*short audience chuckle*
"No indeed, John. This adventuring party goes all over the place, apparently. They'd gone to Cliffport to see how things were going after they'd wrecked the local yuan-ti stronghold, and found it clear of major influence. They seemed a little surprised by this, as if every single event of note in the world had to be done by them or in response to them. You know how adventuring parties are, John, they think the world revolves around them." *audience laughs* "Anyways, that's where the spirit warriors caught up with them, in Cliffport. There wasn't any major damage to the city, nor did any of the adventurers die, but that's when Wanderer came up with the crazy idea to go talk with the head of the spirit warriors to dissuade them."
"So..... how did that go?"
*short audience chuckle*
"Go? Go?? It was a non-starter, John. Even Lord Koga the Negotiator thought it was {bleep}ing crazy. But in he went, Lord Wanderer the Bat{bleep} Crazy, walking between armed guards, moving as if he'd wandered freely around the place a few days ago--which he had, actually-" *audience chuckle* "-and went to talk with the top lich. Who asked for his head."
*audience chuckle*
"Uhm... did he... get it?"
*audience chuckle*
"When the head lich told Wanderer that he wanted his head on a platter, Wanderer said go ahead--and grew another head. When the lich said he'd take that one too, Wanderer grew yet another head. I think they went up to a baker's dozen before the lich said, and I quote, 'Take every {bleep}ing head he grows and chop them all off. But save the spleen for questioning and medical experimentation.'"
*short audience laugh*
"Did Wanderer survive?"
"Well John... That is a question to be answered on another day." *audience BOOS* "Hey, you know that adventures can be long and complicated story arcs! He wasn't dead as of the time I was found in the cave, summarily executed, and my spirit was sent back here to The Daily Show to be reincarnated into the body of a supermodel."
*audience LAUGHS*
"Yeah, look, we're sorry about that, there was a mix-up at the body bank-"
"You promised me I'd get to be a supermodel, John! I was gonna have legs up to here-"
"We'll sort it out in the back room, I promise. John Oliver, everyone! We'll be right back." *audience applauds and cheers*
