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Care and Feeding of a Sick Woolf
Jan. 29th, 2007 06:23 pmfor people who would rather do so while not in the woolf's immediate vicinity.
First, prepare the room in which you will treat your sick woolf. A dry room is recommended, the dryer the better. The extra dryness will help dry out the remains of the woolf that you will surely find upon your return, resulting in a much more handsome woolf pelt to place in front of your fireplace.
Next, awaken your woolf on a regular basis to ensure it has actually fallen asleep. Timing and means of doing so are hotly debated in the woolf-caretaking community. Newer members of the community suggest waking the woolf hourly with bright lights, loud elevator music and waterboarding, assuring everybody that this treatment is humane and sanctioned by the International Order of the Red Crossbow. However, the eldest in the community suggest waking the woolf every two hours with a stick prodded into your woolf's haunches. Especially vocal proponents of this swear by the addition of a sharpened stone at the poking end of the stick, to assure extra emphasis is made clear to your woolf. Recently a particularly sneaky new faction has sprung up, insisting that the best rest is achieved by setting a restless cub in earshot, thus waking your woolf unpredictably and saving the caretaker extra labor and sleep.
Come the morning, prepare medicines for your sick woolf. Medication can vary from the mostly useless, such as canned air or water, to the far more effective, such as strychnine or formaldehyde. Under no circumstances should you prepare food for your woolf. A hungry woolf will be happy to see you.
Don't forget to keep your woolf warm while you're out for the day. Throw some extra logs on your fireplace, but no more than one mature maple tree per 10' deep by 10' wide room. Cover your woolf with approximately 200 pounds of blankets to ensure extra warmth and decreased mobility, as the last thing you want your sick woolf to do is walk around in the cold near your mailbox when the postman comes round.
While preparing food for your woolf is not recommended, having uncooked foods at the ready is acceptable. Vegetables and tofu are best, as the fibrous matter will help floss your woolf's teeth and give fresher breath than the healthy woolf's usual diet of venison and lamb. Cow's milk is also highly recommended, as it will stuff up your woolf's nose and remove the sense of smell, thus prompting no furious hopeless dashes for the door behind which you keep your chickens and suckling pigs - hopeless only due to the collar with razor-tipped spikes on the inside edge.
Should all of this fail to return your woolf to acceptable health, there's nothing else to do but to let your woolf out into the wilds, preferably the wilds of your unfriendly neighbor's back yard where he keeps his prize horses and buried a large pot of gold. Your neighbor will thank you for the opportunity to care for a sick woolf.
If you feel that any part of this article might be less than completely accurate, please do not hesitate to contact the International Order of the Red Crossbow, which assures a speedy and pointed return message.
First, prepare the room in which you will treat your sick woolf. A dry room is recommended, the dryer the better. The extra dryness will help dry out the remains of the woolf that you will surely find upon your return, resulting in a much more handsome woolf pelt to place in front of your fireplace.
Next, awaken your woolf on a regular basis to ensure it has actually fallen asleep. Timing and means of doing so are hotly debated in the woolf-caretaking community. Newer members of the community suggest waking the woolf hourly with bright lights, loud elevator music and waterboarding, assuring everybody that this treatment is humane and sanctioned by the International Order of the Red Crossbow. However, the eldest in the community suggest waking the woolf every two hours with a stick prodded into your woolf's haunches. Especially vocal proponents of this swear by the addition of a sharpened stone at the poking end of the stick, to assure extra emphasis is made clear to your woolf. Recently a particularly sneaky new faction has sprung up, insisting that the best rest is achieved by setting a restless cub in earshot, thus waking your woolf unpredictably and saving the caretaker extra labor and sleep.
Come the morning, prepare medicines for your sick woolf. Medication can vary from the mostly useless, such as canned air or water, to the far more effective, such as strychnine or formaldehyde. Under no circumstances should you prepare food for your woolf. A hungry woolf will be happy to see you.
Don't forget to keep your woolf warm while you're out for the day. Throw some extra logs on your fireplace, but no more than one mature maple tree per 10' deep by 10' wide room. Cover your woolf with approximately 200 pounds of blankets to ensure extra warmth and decreased mobility, as the last thing you want your sick woolf to do is walk around in the cold near your mailbox when the postman comes round.
While preparing food for your woolf is not recommended, having uncooked foods at the ready is acceptable. Vegetables and tofu are best, as the fibrous matter will help floss your woolf's teeth and give fresher breath than the healthy woolf's usual diet of venison and lamb. Cow's milk is also highly recommended, as it will stuff up your woolf's nose and remove the sense of smell, thus prompting no furious hopeless dashes for the door behind which you keep your chickens and suckling pigs - hopeless only due to the collar with razor-tipped spikes on the inside edge.
Should all of this fail to return your woolf to acceptable health, there's nothing else to do but to let your woolf out into the wilds, preferably the wilds of your unfriendly neighbor's back yard where he keeps his prize horses and buried a large pot of gold. Your neighbor will thank you for the opportunity to care for a sick woolf.
If you feel that any part of this article might be less than completely accurate, please do not hesitate to contact the International Order of the Red Crossbow, which assures a speedy and pointed return message.
