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News of the Weak, July 16 2002
Jul. 16th, 2002 10:13 pmUS President George Bush stated, "We must crack down on CEOs who lie about corporate earnings and reap huge rewards when a company goes under." In an unrelated story, the White House has moved to quash investigations into George W Bush's dealings with oil and the Texas Rangers baseball team.
The US dollar sank against the euro this week, with the euro now worth more than a dollar. European economists have said, "BOO-yah! Yes!! Uhhm, we are saddened to hear about financial troubles in the United States."
Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat has been accused of financial malfeasance by ordinary citizens. In order to allay fears he stood up, holding both arms aloft with fingers in a V-for-victory symbol and announced his proof that it wasn't his fault - "I am not a crook!" he said fervently.
A sharp beating in the US stock markets was allayed by massive beatings in the European markets, prompting a "We're better" attitude and rallying to only lose half a point.
A spokesman for Godzilla announced that the monster would be guest starring in the second Powerpuff Girls movie. "It's in the bag - now we just have to convince them to make the movie. No problem, right boss?" said the spokesman right before being eaten.
A new report came out showing that the average on-the-job life expectancy of Godzilla spokesmen was approximately 2.43 weeks. Godzilla's current spokesman refused to comment as he was busy being digested in the beast's stomach. "I love my job! Really! AGGH!" he cried while dissolving.
A 7 million year old skull found in eastern Africa has thrown the fossil record into disarray, showing more human features than much newer and posher 5 million year old Australopithecene skulls. A new line of skull mock-ups has already been designed for poor-but-trendy science museums around the world while the real one has been lost in the excavator's closet somewhere.
But first: Just why do some men have an obsession with supermodels? A warm, wet and luscious report.
The US dollar sank against the euro this week, with the euro now worth more than a dollar. European economists have said, "BOO-yah! Yes!! Uhhm, we are saddened to hear about financial troubles in the United States."
Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat has been accused of financial malfeasance by ordinary citizens. In order to allay fears he stood up, holding both arms aloft with fingers in a V-for-victory symbol and announced his proof that it wasn't his fault - "I am not a crook!" he said fervently.
A sharp beating in the US stock markets was allayed by massive beatings in the European markets, prompting a "We're better" attitude and rallying to only lose half a point.
A spokesman for Godzilla announced that the monster would be guest starring in the second Powerpuff Girls movie. "It's in the bag - now we just have to convince them to make the movie. No problem, right boss?" said the spokesman right before being eaten.
A new report came out showing that the average on-the-job life expectancy of Godzilla spokesmen was approximately 2.43 weeks. Godzilla's current spokesman refused to comment as he was busy being digested in the beast's stomach. "I love my job! Really! AGGH!" he cried while dissolving.
A 7 million year old skull found in eastern Africa has thrown the fossil record into disarray, showing more human features than much newer and posher 5 million year old Australopithecene skulls. A new line of skull mock-ups has already been designed for poor-but-trendy science museums around the world while the real one has been lost in the excavator's closet somewhere.
But first: Just why do some men have an obsession with supermodels? A warm, wet and luscious report.
