The following is not exactly a poem. It does, however, have the benefit of being true.

[teddywolf]

For most people what defines a party
is the moment they remember.
It's the laugh you will never forget,
The tears that slide down your cheeks
Happy or sad, they are the tears.
It is the camaraderie
through the good times
(and may the good times be many)
and the bad times
(and may they be mercifully brief).
It is the joke that doubles you over
gasping for air.
It's the smiles.
It's the smells.
Maybe it's the booze.
It's the mellow glow, sometimes bittersweet.
It's everything you feel and nothing you can express.

I am not most people.
If you ask me what defines a party
it is not the people, no matter how much I love them
or the place, no matter how beautiful.
It's not the smells that burn into my brain
or the glow of friendship.

Those are all dear to me, but they do not define it.

For me, what shapes an event
is whether I am invited
or not.

I may not be able to attend some that I am invited to
(and believe me, I do miss them!)
but the invite is what I appreciate most.

Comments

[kayre]

Ouch, sounds like there might be some hurt behind that?

I know what you mean.. I always appreciate it when you and the Tiger, and some others online, include me in invitations, even knowing that I'm hundreds of miles away. Thank you for that.

[merlinpole.livejournal.com]

For me, what shapes an event
is whether I am invited
or not.

I may not be able to attend some that I am invited to
(and believe me, I do miss them!)
but the invite is what I appreciate most.

I have a degree of agreement there. Having grown up in a state of quintessentialy ostracism and worse (there are degrees of nastiness where mere ostracizing is preferable to being told "it's not allowable for you to be there alone because that makes us feel guilty but don't get too close to us, I appreciate the invitations. I especially do not appreciate it when people are handing out invitations to other people right in front of me and it seems clear that I am not on the invitation list) I have a permanent feeling of being an outsider whose presence usually is not wanted/appreciated/gracing.

There are parties that other people get invited to and they have social lives. Some of those parties I expect I would not find appealing/enjoyable experiences/would feel out of place and trapped at: social lack of grace and dysfunction/discomfort feed upon themselves.

Coming to an accommodation of "people have parties, most I don't get invited to, there are many many many people I don't know and they're certainly not going to invite me anywhere!, and as for others, people have limited space and resources and people they're prefer to be and I'm not on the A list, the B list, or even the C list of lots and lots of people... and do I really want to really be around people who don't want me around? I have thousands of books. I have a computer and there are people I "see" on-line. In-person and on-line are not the same, but....

Hmm, there was a line from a musical Cinderella years ago, "In my own little corner/in my own little room I can be whatever I want to be...." and it's even more true now, with the Internet and chat rooms and such.

I suspect that parenthood is going to be making some huge continuing differences in your life, regarding priorities, time and attention segmentation, de facto values. Nobody can completely accurately predict what they will do and how they will respond and change in reaction to "what ifs?" and life changes and such. People have expectations that sometimes are what happens, and their expectations of what's likely to happen/they think the results will turn out to be congruent, other times what happens turns out very differently.

One fellow I knew back a quarter century or so agao swore he was never getting married again, his experience being married had completely soured him on it personally and his image of himself was of someone who marriage was completely out of the question for ever again... some years later though he and someone else did get married, had two kids, and as far as I know are still married today. Back the quarter century ago both he and she were involved with different people at the time.

Other people thought they would be permanently married--some still are, some aren't, some expected to get married--some did, some didn't. Some expected relationships to not last, that did.

People change. Some get more respected, some who were respected, lose that respect.

People have their own lives and own concerns and things to attend to, and priorities. The priorities can change, their lives can change.

Years ago I was dating someone, who mentioned to me that he had gone somewhere. "Why didn't you ask me if I wanted to go?" I asked him. Turned out that it hadn't occurred to him to ask me, he'd been used to going places on his own and the fact that we were dating, hadn't changed his automatic behavior/reaction process about such things, it simply hadn't occurred to him to ask me if I were interesting in going with him to there/that event.

[azaz-al.livejournal.com]

"Regretting What I Said When You Called Me 11:00 on a Friday Morning to Tell Me that at 1:00 Friday Afternoon You were Going to Leave Your Office, Go Downstairs, Hail a Cab, Go Out to the Airport to Catch a Plane to Go Skiing In the Alps for Two Weeks, Not that I wanted to Go with You, I wasn't Able to Leave Town, and I Couldn't Really Expect You to Pay My Way (and I'm not such a hot skier), But After Going Out with You for Three Years I Don't like Surprises"

[awfief.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I missed you on Saturday, although with the baby I didn't expect to see you.

[leiacat.livejournal.com]

As happens quite often, you speak the words I think.

I have this thing about not wanting to be somewhere that I'm not explicitly invited to. At the same time, when I observe most of my social circle be invited to a party, and me for whatever reason be left out, it causes lonely-isolated feelings, in a way that mere not being able to be there does not.