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Apr. 27th, 2008 05:32 pmSo, a few of you might have heard we have this little contest coming up that happens only every four years. I am, of course, talking about the Olympic Five Hundred Million Dollar Dash, sometimes called the US Presidential Election. The Olympic Committee is currently in a hot debate about renaming the contest, as it will clearly go over Five Hundred Million Dollars, but the US Ambassador to the Olympic Games, John Bolton, has vetoed Five Hundred Million Euro Dash as too European, Five Hundred Million Pounds Sterling Dash as too British, and Who Wants To Hire A Millionaire as too inaccurate, as at least two of the contestants are multi-millionaires. His veto hasn't been as easy as usual, though, in that he's had to resort to more bribes and is running out of bribe money a lot faster. Clearly he needs to bribe in Euros.
So we have three candidates currently, two of whom will be actually in the running this November when the actual dollar-counting will be finished and the votes-influenced-by-those-dollars counting will commence.
The first candidate, the one who will definitely be there this November, is John 'Heterosexual Talk' McCain. His nickname used to be 'Straight Talk', as he talked a lot about what he'd do if he were President, but since he's kept reversing himself more often than a Supreme Court Justice with MPD - except Antonin Scalia, as all of his personalities are assholes - he's decided to keep it to how he will keep America from having gay people marry each other. Oh, he's also explained why the rich should keep getting amazingly huge tax cuts; why everybody else should get much tinier tax cuts; and why services to everybody else that would cost loads more than tiny tax cuts should be gutted so we can afford to give the rich amazingly huge tax cuts. As fiscal policy goes this makes about as much sense as having the rich guy come to your house and mug you because you got a $10 a week pay raise this year, otherwise known as Your Health Insurance Company.
Every mistake he makes in front of the United States press corps is written off as, "Well, it's just a rare mistake" or "It's just boys being boys" or "He's the Republican so we have to talk about how great he is". This has been the job of the press for the past twenty years: adore the Republican. This makes him the presumptive front-runner this fall.
Next, let's talk about Hillary 'Worse Than Satan' Clinton, one of the two Democrats who might or might not be there this November. She's been called 'Worse Than Satan' ever since she worked on health insurance for everybody back in the 90s, because obviously everybody having health insurance is something too devilish even for Satan, also known as The Head Of Every Other Industrialized Country Except South Africa. Oddly, every one of those countries has some form of health insurance that covers everybody so, maybe those countries are worse than Hell. Funny how the residents of those other countries haven't come here begging for US Health Insurance.
She has been the most demonized, or Satan-ized, candidate by our press corps in the United Sates, who mock every little laugh as a cackle and her toughness as "too man-like". That's right, US Press Corps. Only men should be man-like, and we only want man-like creatures in the White House, and only if they're men.
So our last candidate, Barack 'Oh My God A Black Man! Please Don't Hurt Me' Obama is the other Democrat who may or may not be on the ballot this November. He's talked a lot about transforming politics in the United States and bringing together the Left and the Right, which obviously means that he's trying to get all of his victims together in the same room to hurt them all at once. No, it means he's reaching rightward to the Ever-Rightening Right while reaching Leftward to the Ever-Expanding Left. The only reason he can do this is because, and you heard it here first, Barack Obama is only his secret identity. He's actually Plastic Man.
Ths US Press Corps has taken to scrutinizing every gesture he makes to see if he's actually flipping the bird or sending messages to the mob, and examining every person he ever shared a sandwich with to see if they can somehow say his policy is actually anti-American and thus call him a liar. This is the Job of the Press: smear the Democrat whatever the cost. Oh, and worship the Republican.
So obviously, in a time when the Republicans are running scared even in reliably Republican districts because people are realizing just how much Republicans actually hate them, hate the troops, and want to make the voters into unpaid indentured servants in Republican-politico requisite-minimum five mansions each, we should have a Republican President. Again. The United States Press Corps obviously thinks so, and you shouldn't let your own thoughts get in the way of their mighty will.
So we have three candidates currently, two of whom will be actually in the running this November when the actual dollar-counting will be finished and the votes-influenced-by-those-dollars counting will commence.
The first candidate, the one who will definitely be there this November, is John 'Heterosexual Talk' McCain. His nickname used to be 'Straight Talk', as he talked a lot about what he'd do if he were President, but since he's kept reversing himself more often than a Supreme Court Justice with MPD - except Antonin Scalia, as all of his personalities are assholes - he's decided to keep it to how he will keep America from having gay people marry each other. Oh, he's also explained why the rich should keep getting amazingly huge tax cuts; why everybody else should get much tinier tax cuts; and why services to everybody else that would cost loads more than tiny tax cuts should be gutted so we can afford to give the rich amazingly huge tax cuts. As fiscal policy goes this makes about as much sense as having the rich guy come to your house and mug you because you got a $10 a week pay raise this year, otherwise known as Your Health Insurance Company.
Every mistake he makes in front of the United States press corps is written off as, "Well, it's just a rare mistake" or "It's just boys being boys" or "He's the Republican so we have to talk about how great he is". This has been the job of the press for the past twenty years: adore the Republican. This makes him the presumptive front-runner this fall.
Next, let's talk about Hillary 'Worse Than Satan' Clinton, one of the two Democrats who might or might not be there this November. She's been called 'Worse Than Satan' ever since she worked on health insurance for everybody back in the 90s, because obviously everybody having health insurance is something too devilish even for Satan, also known as The Head Of Every Other Industrialized Country Except South Africa. Oddly, every one of those countries has some form of health insurance that covers everybody so, maybe those countries are worse than Hell. Funny how the residents of those other countries haven't come here begging for US Health Insurance.
She has been the most demonized, or Satan-ized, candidate by our press corps in the United Sates, who mock every little laugh as a cackle and her toughness as "too man-like". That's right, US Press Corps. Only men should be man-like, and we only want man-like creatures in the White House, and only if they're men.
So our last candidate, Barack 'Oh My God A Black Man! Please Don't Hurt Me' Obama is the other Democrat who may or may not be on the ballot this November. He's talked a lot about transforming politics in the United States and bringing together the Left and the Right, which obviously means that he's trying to get all of his victims together in the same room to hurt them all at once. No, it means he's reaching rightward to the Ever-Rightening Right while reaching Leftward to the Ever-Expanding Left. The only reason he can do this is because, and you heard it here first, Barack Obama is only his secret identity. He's actually Plastic Man.
Ths US Press Corps has taken to scrutinizing every gesture he makes to see if he's actually flipping the bird or sending messages to the mob, and examining every person he ever shared a sandwich with to see if they can somehow say his policy is actually anti-American and thus call him a liar. This is the Job of the Press: smear the Democrat whatever the cost. Oh, and worship the Republican.
So obviously, in a time when the Republicans are running scared even in reliably Republican districts because people are realizing just how much Republicans actually hate them, hate the troops, and want to make the voters into unpaid indentured servants in Republican-politico requisite-minimum five mansions each, we should have a Republican President. Again. The United States Press Corps obviously thinks so, and you shouldn't let your own thoughts get in the way of their mighty will.
