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Weakly Whirled News
Apr. 23rd, 2006 10:01 pmPresident Bush announced on Friday that he was initiating a new program that would put $10 billion into the Pentagon budget to clone new soldiers. The new soldiers would be ready in a matter of months, not decades, and would be capable of expanding the military's strength at a time when its forces are dangerously depleted. "Just think about it," twanged Mr. Bush. "The only reason we haven't been able to get, go to war with Iraq, Iran... is because we're running low on troops. With more soldiers in the military we can fight anywhere we want at any time."
When asked how he squared the new policy with his previously-stated opposition to cloning, the President replied, "Now look here. We don't want to risk the lives of innocent unborn babies or use them for medical experiments. That's just plain wrong. But our soldiers knew the risks when they signed their enlistment papers. They knew they'd be risking their lives in dangerous territory. We need more of them to further our agenda of peace and freedom around the world. I respect 'em, and the more of 'em we have, the more I'll respect 'em. An army of cloned soldiers ready whenever we need to fight the bad guys, in the air, on land, at sea or even in space, we'll be ready for 'em anytime."
Legal experts are worried about the impact of clones in the military. Would they be the same age as the people they were cloned from legally, thus able to vote in elections, or would they officially start counting their age from the day they were first brought out of the cloning chamber? Military officials are more worried about troop morale with the presence of clones, especially the possibility of seeing a friend who'd been previously killed in combat. They are considering either a policy where soldiers are not to reveal their cloned status, or perhaps a requirement to wear face-concealing headgear at all times. There are rumors of a design that would cover the eyes with darkened goggles, the mouth with a full-time air-scrubber, and provide full-body protection, like old style plate mail. Weakly Whirled News has found a photo of the design:
Officials were not available for comment on the record. Off the record, one general expressed concern that the armor wasn't fully tested yet and hoped it wouldn't be tested first in the field.
When asked how he squared the new policy with his previously-stated opposition to cloning, the President replied, "Now look here. We don't want to risk the lives of innocent unborn babies or use them for medical experiments. That's just plain wrong. But our soldiers knew the risks when they signed their enlistment papers. They knew they'd be risking their lives in dangerous territory. We need more of them to further our agenda of peace and freedom around the world. I respect 'em, and the more of 'em we have, the more I'll respect 'em. An army of cloned soldiers ready whenever we need to fight the bad guys, in the air, on land, at sea or even in space, we'll be ready for 'em anytime."
Legal experts are worried about the impact of clones in the military. Would they be the same age as the people they were cloned from legally, thus able to vote in elections, or would they officially start counting their age from the day they were first brought out of the cloning chamber? Military officials are more worried about troop morale with the presence of clones, especially the possibility of seeing a friend who'd been previously killed in combat. They are considering either a policy where soldiers are not to reveal their cloned status, or perhaps a requirement to wear face-concealing headgear at all times. There are rumors of a design that would cover the eyes with darkened goggles, the mouth with a full-time air-scrubber, and provide full-body protection, like old style plate mail. Weakly Whirled News has found a photo of the design:
Officials were not available for comment on the record. Off the record, one general expressed concern that the armor wasn't fully tested yet and hoped it wouldn't be tested first in the field.
