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Things I've Learned Watching Television
Oct. 8th, 2005 03:10 pmIf everything starts going freaky, I'm in the Twilight Zone and should thus expect the world to be even stranger.
If two separate murders have occured in the same house over the course of a few days, run away and call the police. Only one or two people will otherwise make it out of the house alive.
Do not spend huge quantities of money to try to catch a roadrunner when you can spend far less to buy a nice dinner out.
A single hit could send you to the moon, so we obviously spent too much money on the space rocket program.
Love conquers all. All hail Emperor Love!
To be an evil overlord you need to have lots of money, a good brain, and be extremely foolish. This explains the lack of them, as they keep falling for Nigerian scam emails - or they're named Paris Hilton.
Trust the computer. The computer is your friend.
When a friend of mine tells me he's inviting Jessica Fletcher over for a while, I should aim to leave town before she arrives. Otherwise, I will be asked embarassing questions about my personal life, possibly kill someone, or (or possibly and) be killed, and any of those three would put a huge crimp in my social life.
Even powerful megalomaniacs can be somebody's lost, scared child. This does not stop them from being scary themselves.
Worlds with superheroes have potent forces you seldom if ever see who do all of the construction and repair work, and they are even more powerful than the heroes and villains who make their services necessary. We have seen the face of the Marvel version but the DC one is a shadowy, unknown force yet to be revealed.
"Fair" means unfair, "Balanced' means extremely skewed, and "News" means misleading propoganda, at least according to that station's "Reporting", which means all the news they see fit to tell you.
C-Span is cable's public radio. It's a far better source of news than the previously alluded-to station and yet gets far fewer viewers.
Spam is tasty if you're a Viking.
Everybody named Goku has a tail, is generally well-meaning, incredibly agile and an extremely talented fighter. Unfortunately, they are also each as dumb as a post.
The voice of a hero on one show can easily be the voice of a villain on another show.
Gay marriage is a worse threat to society than terrorism, war, hurricanes, floods, tornadoes, disease, famine and corrupt Republicans -combined. By the way, I bought a lovely bridge during my last trip to New York.
Computer hackers never use Windows or Macs.
Learning martial arts makes you cool.
Things go better with Xaolin.
Star Trek may have had better special effects, but Doctor Who has caught up - and Doctor Who always had better plots.
It's more important for a corporation to pay its stockholders than it is for them to pay their employees.
Music is great. Musicals, not so much.
The best and highest-rated news show is a snarky comedy show that does not talk down to its viewers, and its commercially-interrupted two hours a week is more informative than your standard 24/7 news station.
Comedy is harder to get right than facts, and having both on a show beats having neither.
Public television only brings out its shiniest specials for pledge drives.
Corporate television believes that advertising is more important than quality.
Lying about consensual sex is a worse crime than lying to start a war. Once again, killing people is more acceptable than a blowjob.
Lying about consensual sex is also a worse crime than stealing billions of dollars from millions of people.
By removing naughty words from TV we have stopped all desire for people to say naughty words in real life.
The president says that the only way to respect all people's rights is for the government be able to strip some people of their rights at will and torture them.
The sight of a bare female breast on television is far more damaging to the public good than government propoganda.
There is no middle point between total abstinence and total gluttony. Except, of course, when there is.
If a supernatural agency offers me several wishes, I will make sure that the first wish be that the remaining wishes be fulfilled the way I would want them fulfilled. Otherwise I am only asking for trouble with a large side order of mischief.
Cats like lasagna.
Quality air and water are only for quality people, and Americans are not quality people.
Everything is less painful if you're a toon. Except erasers.
If two separate murders have occured in the same house over the course of a few days, run away and call the police. Only one or two people will otherwise make it out of the house alive.
Do not spend huge quantities of money to try to catch a roadrunner when you can spend far less to buy a nice dinner out.
A single hit could send you to the moon, so we obviously spent too much money on the space rocket program.
Love conquers all. All hail Emperor Love!
To be an evil overlord you need to have lots of money, a good brain, and be extremely foolish. This explains the lack of them, as they keep falling for Nigerian scam emails - or they're named Paris Hilton.
Trust the computer. The computer is your friend.
When a friend of mine tells me he's inviting Jessica Fletcher over for a while, I should aim to leave town before she arrives. Otherwise, I will be asked embarassing questions about my personal life, possibly kill someone, or (or possibly and) be killed, and any of those three would put a huge crimp in my social life.
Even powerful megalomaniacs can be somebody's lost, scared child. This does not stop them from being scary themselves.
Worlds with superheroes have potent forces you seldom if ever see who do all of the construction and repair work, and they are even more powerful than the heroes and villains who make their services necessary. We have seen the face of the Marvel version but the DC one is a shadowy, unknown force yet to be revealed.
"Fair" means unfair, "Balanced' means extremely skewed, and "News" means misleading propoganda, at least according to that station's "Reporting", which means all the news they see fit to tell you.
C-Span is cable's public radio. It's a far better source of news than the previously alluded-to station and yet gets far fewer viewers.
Spam is tasty if you're a Viking.
Everybody named Goku has a tail, is generally well-meaning, incredibly agile and an extremely talented fighter. Unfortunately, they are also each as dumb as a post.
The voice of a hero on one show can easily be the voice of a villain on another show.
Gay marriage is a worse threat to society than terrorism, war, hurricanes, floods, tornadoes, disease, famine and corrupt Republicans -combined. By the way, I bought a lovely bridge during my last trip to New York.
Computer hackers never use Windows or Macs.
Learning martial arts makes you cool.
Things go better with Xaolin.
Star Trek may have had better special effects, but Doctor Who has caught up - and Doctor Who always had better plots.
It's more important for a corporation to pay its stockholders than it is for them to pay their employees.
Music is great. Musicals, not so much.
The best and highest-rated news show is a snarky comedy show that does not talk down to its viewers, and its commercially-interrupted two hours a week is more informative than your standard 24/7 news station.
Comedy is harder to get right than facts, and having both on a show beats having neither.
Public television only brings out its shiniest specials for pledge drives.
Corporate television believes that advertising is more important than quality.
Lying about consensual sex is a worse crime than lying to start a war. Once again, killing people is more acceptable than a blowjob.
Lying about consensual sex is also a worse crime than stealing billions of dollars from millions of people.
By removing naughty words from TV we have stopped all desire for people to say naughty words in real life.
The president says that the only way to respect all people's rights is for the government be able to strip some people of their rights at will and torture them.
The sight of a bare female breast on television is far more damaging to the public good than government propoganda.
There is no middle point between total abstinence and total gluttony. Except, of course, when there is.
If a supernatural agency offers me several wishes, I will make sure that the first wish be that the remaining wishes be fulfilled the way I would want them fulfilled. Otherwise I am only asking for trouble with a large side order of mischief.
Cats like lasagna.
Quality air and water are only for quality people, and Americans are not quality people.
Everything is less painful if you're a toon. Except erasers.
