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On the nature of Insecurity
Apr. 27th, 2003 11:40 amInsecurity is a major part of the human condition and goes hand in hand with anxiety.
Insecurity comes from believing you don't know something that you really want to know. It's not necessary to actually not know what you really want to know. There can be several reasons for this belief. Most common is simple uncertainty, but there's also fear, lack of trust, lack of belief, paranoid tendencies or a complete personal rewriting of events - in other words a reality disconnect. It can also be a combination of several of the above factors. You may want to examine your reasons closely, because if it's a reality disconnect or paranoia you may need help.
Let's take a common insecurity of not knowing where you stand. For example, you're in a relationship with someone you think is wonderful but you aren't certain how your sweetie feels about you. Your sweetie may have told you "I love you" many times but you aren't certain if it's an honest statement or not. You may be uncertain it's heartfelt, you might not trust what your sweetie is saying, or you might conflate the "I love you" with another statement entirely, like "Shut up" or "I'm sorry" for example, and this could be a reality disconnect. However, if your sweetie has ever used "I love you" in place of another statement then you may have a valid reason, meaning a lack of belief on your part.
There is a simple yet difficult way to put your insecurity to rest, maybe for a little while, maybe longer, and that's to simply ask if your sweetie means it - external validation. "Do you really love me?" is a question born of insecurity and it can be tough to ask, but you should get an answer back when you ask it.
If you're the sweetie being asked the question, just understand that it comes from insecurity and with repeated reassurances that yes, you do indeed love the person asking the question the insecurity may lessen over time. If the insecurity doesn't lessen over time then there may be some other background issues that need to be addressed, for which I suggest talking to a good therapist.
The above situation, with a very few word changes, can apply to friendships, family relationships, work and community standing.
Another common example of insecurity is lack of faith in your own abilities. Being unsure if you're doing a task well usually goes away with experience but doesn't always. Usually if you aren't sure you're doing something well you'll ask someone else what they think. External validation, when it's given, can help for a while; but ultimately this kind of insecurity will only go away when you are confident in your own abilities.
If you are insecure about where you stand with any of the above, congratulations - there's a lot of other people who are also somewhat insecure. In other words, you're not alone in a world of people who all know how to do everything they want to do perfectly well with perfect sureness while you muddle along filled with anxiety that everything you touch will turn sour. Ultimately, getting past insecurity comes from a mix of enough self-confidence and a little external validation for feedback. Also ultimately, you can't just do it in a vacuum.
Insecurity comes from believing you don't know something that you really want to know. It's not necessary to actually not know what you really want to know. There can be several reasons for this belief. Most common is simple uncertainty, but there's also fear, lack of trust, lack of belief, paranoid tendencies or a complete personal rewriting of events - in other words a reality disconnect. It can also be a combination of several of the above factors. You may want to examine your reasons closely, because if it's a reality disconnect or paranoia you may need help.
Let's take a common insecurity of not knowing where you stand. For example, you're in a relationship with someone you think is wonderful but you aren't certain how your sweetie feels about you. Your sweetie may have told you "I love you" many times but you aren't certain if it's an honest statement or not. You may be uncertain it's heartfelt, you might not trust what your sweetie is saying, or you might conflate the "I love you" with another statement entirely, like "Shut up" or "I'm sorry" for example, and this could be a reality disconnect. However, if your sweetie has ever used "I love you" in place of another statement then you may have a valid reason, meaning a lack of belief on your part.
There is a simple yet difficult way to put your insecurity to rest, maybe for a little while, maybe longer, and that's to simply ask if your sweetie means it - external validation. "Do you really love me?" is a question born of insecurity and it can be tough to ask, but you should get an answer back when you ask it.
If you're the sweetie being asked the question, just understand that it comes from insecurity and with repeated reassurances that yes, you do indeed love the person asking the question the insecurity may lessen over time. If the insecurity doesn't lessen over time then there may be some other background issues that need to be addressed, for which I suggest talking to a good therapist.
The above situation, with a very few word changes, can apply to friendships, family relationships, work and community standing.
Another common example of insecurity is lack of faith in your own abilities. Being unsure if you're doing a task well usually goes away with experience but doesn't always. Usually if you aren't sure you're doing something well you'll ask someone else what they think. External validation, when it's given, can help for a while; but ultimately this kind of insecurity will only go away when you are confident in your own abilities.
If you are insecure about where you stand with any of the above, congratulations - there's a lot of other people who are also somewhat insecure. In other words, you're not alone in a world of people who all know how to do everything they want to do perfectly well with perfect sureness while you muddle along filled with anxiety that everything you touch will turn sour. Ultimately, getting past insecurity comes from a mix of enough self-confidence and a little external validation for feedback. Also ultimately, you can't just do it in a vacuum.
