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News of the Weak, Sep 22 2002
Sep. 22nd, 2002 11:56 amUS President George Bush declared himself King of the World in response to inaction by the UN regarding Iraq. "Nobody else was doing anything, and this will help me cut down on terror." Micronesia is expected to lodge a protest buffet lunch.
Godzilla went on a rampage after being gently rebuffed by the owner of a respected geisha establishment in downtown Tokyo. The monstrous creature destroyed three china teacups, a silver tea service and 87 soldiers who tried to stop it. Further depredations on the silverware are expected and the Japanese military is on high alert.
A herd of cats wearing hemp FETA jackets destroyed an animal testing compound. The cute cuddly spokescat said, "The Felines for the Ethical Treatment of Animals destroyed this compound because it was filled with dirty rats doing despicable things for meager pay - and the animals were none too pretty either. Give me salmon and I'll tell you more."
A staggering upgrade of the retrograde nihilist strain of stockholding led to a miniscule 500 point loss on the Dow Jones Industrial Average, something experts predict will be cleared up by Tuesday.
Israel invaded the Gaza Strip and surrounded PA leader Yasser Arafat's compound, demanding the surrender of several Palestinian police and intelligence personnel. A senior Israeli official explained the current doctrine of Israeli military action: "The bullets will continue until morale improves." When asked whose morale would improve, the official started crooning about his poor beleaguered pet chihuahua and wouldn't stop until he was smeared with grape Jell-o.
Former GE CEO Jack Welch declared that he did nothing wrong in accepting his severance package. He said, "I didn't want something that was wasteful to the stockholders. But there's nothing wrong with my new perks with all the law allows - two game wardens, seven hunters and a cow. At generous salaries."
Superstud and millionaire skateborder Dilbert announced his retirement today. "I no longer want to strip for money!" shouted the sexy cartoon engineer. However after a quick consultation with his lawyer Dogbert he recanted somewhat. "Well, being in cartoons is OK, but no more total frontal nudity!" Dogbert and Catbert were both unceremoniously choked with neckties and sent to work.
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But first: A word from our sponsor: Eat Dirty Potato Chips!
Godzilla went on a rampage after being gently rebuffed by the owner of a respected geisha establishment in downtown Tokyo. The monstrous creature destroyed three china teacups, a silver tea service and 87 soldiers who tried to stop it. Further depredations on the silverware are expected and the Japanese military is on high alert.
A herd of cats wearing hemp FETA jackets destroyed an animal testing compound. The cute cuddly spokescat said, "The Felines for the Ethical Treatment of Animals destroyed this compound because it was filled with dirty rats doing despicable things for meager pay - and the animals were none too pretty either. Give me salmon and I'll tell you more."
A staggering upgrade of the retrograde nihilist strain of stockholding led to a miniscule 500 point loss on the Dow Jones Industrial Average, something experts predict will be cleared up by Tuesday.
Israel invaded the Gaza Strip and surrounded PA leader Yasser Arafat's compound, demanding the surrender of several Palestinian police and intelligence personnel. A senior Israeli official explained the current doctrine of Israeli military action: "The bullets will continue until morale improves." When asked whose morale would improve, the official started crooning about his poor beleaguered pet chihuahua and wouldn't stop until he was smeared with grape Jell-o.
Former GE CEO Jack Welch declared that he did nothing wrong in accepting his severance package. He said, "I didn't want something that was wasteful to the stockholders. But there's nothing wrong with my new perks with all the law allows - two game wardens, seven hunters and a cow. At generous salaries."
Superstud and millionaire skateborder Dilbert announced his retirement today. "I no longer want to strip for money!" shouted the sexy cartoon engineer. However after a quick consultation with his lawyer Dogbert he recanted somewhat. "Well, being in cartoons is OK, but no more total frontal nudity!" Dogbert and Catbert were both unceremoniously choked with neckties and sent to work.
.
.
But first: A word from our sponsor: Eat Dirty Potato Chips!
