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News of the Weak, July 29 2002
Jul. 29th, 2002 01:00 amUS President George W Bush vowed to crack down on corporate mischief by chief executive officers. "This kind of improper behavior must be stopped. My campaign donors need to stop making me look bad. Terror! Now ignore the rest of my speech. Terrorism!" he said in an impassioned speech.
Nine miners were trapped underground for three days after their mine was flooded. Eight of them were rescued in reasonably good condition, but the ninth was victim to Pokemon Withdrawal Pains and is in therapy with Professor Oak.
Cuddly Baby Bell Qwest has decided to "restate its earnings" after its lawyers reminded the company that business lunches weren't deductible any more. This alone is expected to make the company lose $943 million dollars.
In an effort to ease tensions, media giant AOL Time Warner offered to buy Palestine for $20 billion. However, the offer was hastily withdrawn after Palestinian experts discovered irregularites in AOL's accounting practices, saying, "So *that's* how our guns went missing!"
Former US President Bill Clinton blasted current US President George Bush. "He keeps pointing fingers and assigning blame as soon as anything happens, and I wanted to point that out and tell you I think it's wrong of him to do it."
A new robot named GRACE, programmed with basic social skills, was attempting to attend a human conference about robotics. After difficulties signing in, the robot broke down and sobbed, "I wish I were a normal boy!"
US President George W Bush announced that his administration would like a "regime change" in Iraq. Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein replied that the US President isn't as good as his daddy the former US President. "And do you know just how pissed off it makes people in other countries when you say you're going to remove their leaders, just like that? Maybe he's just bitter he didn't get any Chinese campaign contributions unlike the Democrats," added the unloved Iraqi sneeringly.
.
.
But first: What's in Gary Hobson's paper today? A special report.
Nine miners were trapped underground for three days after their mine was flooded. Eight of them were rescued in reasonably good condition, but the ninth was victim to Pokemon Withdrawal Pains and is in therapy with Professor Oak.
Cuddly Baby Bell Qwest has decided to "restate its earnings" after its lawyers reminded the company that business lunches weren't deductible any more. This alone is expected to make the company lose $943 million dollars.
In an effort to ease tensions, media giant AOL Time Warner offered to buy Palestine for $20 billion. However, the offer was hastily withdrawn after Palestinian experts discovered irregularites in AOL's accounting practices, saying, "So *that's* how our guns went missing!"
Former US President Bill Clinton blasted current US President George Bush. "He keeps pointing fingers and assigning blame as soon as anything happens, and I wanted to point that out and tell you I think it's wrong of him to do it."
A new robot named GRACE, programmed with basic social skills, was attempting to attend a human conference about robotics. After difficulties signing in, the robot broke down and sobbed, "I wish I were a normal boy!"
US President George W Bush announced that his administration would like a "regime change" in Iraq. Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein replied that the US President isn't as good as his daddy the former US President. "And do you know just how pissed off it makes people in other countries when you say you're going to remove their leaders, just like that? Maybe he's just bitter he didn't get any Chinese campaign contributions unlike the Democrats," added the unloved Iraqi sneeringly.
.
.
But first: What's in Gary Hobson's paper today? A special report.
