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News of the Weak, 2/12/02
Feb. 12th, 2002 09:18 pmFormer Enron chief Ken Lay claims he did nothing wrong. Top members of Congress sneered, "Being bullshitters ourselves we know a line when we hear one. Pull the other one, it has bells on!"
The Israeli military seized control of two Palestinian towns today. "They're just trying to get prime land for their 2008 Olympic bid," claimed a beleaguered Yasser Arafat while buying chocolate for Valentine's Day.
US President George Bush signed a $19.2 billion package for the US War on Drugs. "Twenty Billion for fighting and not a penny for peace!" he declared.
The hit TV show "Friends" will be returning for yet another year, under protest. Former Enron chief Kenneth Lay threatened to buy NBC if they didn't.
The US Women's Ice Hockey team beat the German team 10-0. German officials lamented, "Next time we send all the Americans chocolate *before* the game!"
The world was rocked as Godzilla flew into Afghanistan to hunt for Osama bin Laden. A spokesman for the monster commented, "The reward money is easily as much as he earns making a half dozen movies, so he figured it would be worth a shot. Isn't that right Big Guy?" The spokesman then died a fiery death in Godzilla's atomic breath.
Top clown Ronald McDonald made a shocking statement to the press today. "I only eat burgers at Fuddruckers!" lamented the red-haired superstar. "Please don't tell Mayor McCheese!"
Folk hero Pete Seeger was arrested this week by the Secret Service for singing how "Anything was better than a a bird in the Bush," but escaped after his supporters started chanting "Georgie Bushie Pie in the Sky" when the Secret Service joined in the chant. No charges have been filed.
But first: Should the Olympics change to the Greek standard of being done in the nude? A special report.
The Israeli military seized control of two Palestinian towns today. "They're just trying to get prime land for their 2008 Olympic bid," claimed a beleaguered Yasser Arafat while buying chocolate for Valentine's Day.
US President George Bush signed a $19.2 billion package for the US War on Drugs. "Twenty Billion for fighting and not a penny for peace!" he declared.
The hit TV show "Friends" will be returning for yet another year, under protest. Former Enron chief Kenneth Lay threatened to buy NBC if they didn't.
The US Women's Ice Hockey team beat the German team 10-0. German officials lamented, "Next time we send all the Americans chocolate *before* the game!"
The world was rocked as Godzilla flew into Afghanistan to hunt for Osama bin Laden. A spokesman for the monster commented, "The reward money is easily as much as he earns making a half dozen movies, so he figured it would be worth a shot. Isn't that right Big Guy?" The spokesman then died a fiery death in Godzilla's atomic breath.
Top clown Ronald McDonald made a shocking statement to the press today. "I only eat burgers at Fuddruckers!" lamented the red-haired superstar. "Please don't tell Mayor McCheese!"
Folk hero Pete Seeger was arrested this week by the Secret Service for singing how "Anything was better than a a bird in the Bush," but escaped after his supporters started chanting "Georgie Bushie Pie in the Sky" when the Secret Service joined in the chant. No charges have been filed.
But first: Should the Olympics change to the Greek standard of being done in the nude? A special report.
